I have not been able to deal with this, but feel like now is a good time to put my thoughts “out there” on Rob. My beloved brother.
I miss him so much. These were my thoughts and feelings a few short weeks after he died. His birthday is August 23, he would have turned 30.
Written on 12/21/06…..
Let’s just say I am sad. Death is never expected or friendly. I had a personal experience on December. 10, 2006. My 29 year old brother was helping retrieve Christmas lights and supplies, he stated “I feel dizzy” he stumbled to his knees and fell down. Time 12:15. Pronounced dead at the Methodist hospital an hour or so later. A young man taken with no history of illness at all. I do believe that everything happens for a reason, but I can’t see it now for this. My brother was mildly retarded. Special we always said, and so he was. He was a gentle young boy in a grown man’s body. Always willing, always able to help. So kind. So sweet.
It is hardest for those left behind. How to cope with the grief and the pain, and the loneliness.
Not so much for myself, but for my mother, grandmother, and stepfather. The ones that watched him die. They feel they failed him. Survivor’s guilt. It is a bitch.
So in the course of a week, he died, had a funeral, cremated, and ashes returned. All in a week.
Hard to believe.
The hardest thing is the what ifs and the I wishes.
I wish I could speak to him once more,
I wish I had a sign that he is ok.
I wish I had been there to do CPR, I am a nurse after all.
What if we had known he was ill, why didn’t we know that he was ill….
Then the why’s???
why not later,
why not his 93 year old grandmother, she prayed for herself to be taken, and he to be spared.
why was he needed now??
I have always believed that everything happens for a reason, but we might now be able to see or understand it right now.
I hope and pray for insight into this matter.