These first few days have been filled with tears, shock, disbelief. I also became angry very angry. These are normal and predictable emotions one feels after losing an important person in your life. I know this is part of the process.
The part that I have been struggling with for these first few days is the act itself. In my mind I can see my father in his car driving, and then I see the crash. Or what I picture in mind what I think it would have looked like. I see him in the car hurt and alone. At first I kept wondering what condition his body was in. How hurt was he? I just couldn’t get it out of my head. I will be much relieved when I just see my dad in my mind as he always was. Happy go lucky and slightly absentminded. He was super smart, always thinking of many things, but often forgetful of the small tasks of life. As in where did I leave my keys, or oh, I flew here to work and I left all my shirts at home, or only bringing his work shoes and leaving his tennis shoes at home. He did these things all the time.
~ remembering Rob at 2 years~
I know the painful image will fade hopefully with time. It just takes time and it can be a slow process. I am almost 3 years past my brother’s death. I will admit I was not prepared to be thrown into this process again so quickly. I also know that I have no control over these things.
At first, not knowing the name of the person who committed this act was troubling me.
However, now that I do know his name and his history it does not make me feel any better. It does not change anything.
I am somewhat comforted by the fact that he will be held accountable for the act that he has done. Although now I have a deep sadness for the fact that this young man has such a history of trouble and despair. He has had 3 convictions of DWI. Now, he can add murder to his list. He is only 23 years old and to have so much stacked up against you must feel daunting. To have such a need to be so destructive,so selfish is surely a sign of disease. It is in the act of choosing to drive that is the hardest part to understand. I believe that as a society we can not expect everyone to be well and healthy. That such a society could not exist without various forms of addiction. I can accept that. We can not make people better without them wanting to be better. I just always thought before August 31, 2009 that if a person made mistakes in his life that were dangerous, harmful, and self destroying then he would eventually begin to examine and question his own actions. To one day look inside himself to seek answers and understanding. To begin to seek a change. I clearly see that that was an idealistic thought to have.
I want to be clear that I am not a perfect being. I have done things that I should not have done, I certainly have made plenty of bad choices. I know that each action causes reaction, and life will move you forward if you let it or it will keep you back if you don’t. I am thankful that my past did not ever stop me from continuing forward. I want to be a thoughtful person, I want to understand and I do not ever want to stop growing as an individual. I believe that what happens to you in life will only strengthen you in the end.
There is no punishment I can imagine that would be enough to rectify the action of what was done to my father. I would not want to be the decider. I am not a judge nor am I God. I would never want to be either. I do believe that to have to live with the knowledge of what your actions, your choices, your selfishness has caused could potentially be worse then the actual punishment itself. Almost. You can not hide from your own mind.
Time is a healer. It will soon heal my raw pain. One day I will be able to focus on the good of my dad without the horrible images that are in my mind now. I know this for certain. I am not ready to forgive yet, but I hope one day I will be able to start that process. I know my father would want me to do that. He would want me to focus on the good~ our memories, our laughter and our joy and our sorrow. This is what a life together brings you. I will always remember.